I suppose it is very difficult to describe how I felt in the beginning when My Baby girl was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. I guess at first I couldn’t believe it. I felt guilty at first because I couldn’t fix it myself, I can fix anything or thought I could, but this time for the second time in twelve months I was powerless. (The first time was when Rob and Az lost their baby after twenty- four weeks. Here I was Dad who could fix anything was helpless no matter what you say or do basically I was helpless, I felt hurt, heartbroken and yet had to still keep putting a brave face on for Rob and Az, at times I still cried a lot, I remember once when we were in London, in Harrods Christmas shopping we were going around the different sections of the Christmas store, I went around the corner and I was in the middle of the new baby department, I just broke down crying and sobbing in the middle of the store, Eve found me and just hugged me in the middle of the store, that was more than enough. There I was this big rugby player sobbing in the middle of the shop, oh well it had to come out at some stage I suppose.)
I guess I was in denial; it took months for me even to say the word ‘cancer’. We had to go to court with our son on a motoring charge; I was going to speak on his behalf. I got into the dock and started to speak and everything was fine until I knew I had to say the word ‘cancer’ for the first time. As the time got closer, I nearly lost it completely as tears welled up in my eyes, somehow I scrambled through, such is the power of this very emotive word.
We then had to tell the boys, all our boys are very close to us, it was hard but it had to be done, of course they were all broken hearted, but Eve as usual pulled everyone together, made us realise that we must pull even closer now, if that was possible, we did though. I remember that I used to come home from hospital and explain everything to them as it happened, and we would all cry together, then pull together to help mum through it all, they were brilliant.
Eve had all the scans and surgery was booked, I was determined to make sure that I would be with my BBG every step of the way, all the clinics all the Chemotherapy, everything, she was not going to face this alone, no way. Eve was strong, philosophical even, I remember before surgery I was really worried about it and what it entailed, and I wanted the best for Eve and wanted to know about private surgery. I phoned Mr Lopez secretary and explained to her, she said ‘do you want a word with Mr Lopez he’s here’, I couldn’t believe my ears, Mr Lopez answered all our questions and more, he spent time with us on the phone explaining everything, what a brilliant man he is. Of course I didn’t sleep very well, it was all unknown to me and of course to Eve. Eve as usual outwardly at least was as strong as an ox, faced it all head on, my admiration for this girl is unbelievable. The day to take Eve to hospital was another awful day, leaving her there, on her own, and to top it all I couldn’t even come in before surgery in the morning. Our close friends were ringing and ‘e’ mailing all the time, they are nurses and were just as concerned for me, what it is to have true and reliable friends. Didn’t sleep at all, went to the beach in the morning and kicked everything including the sea, sand and was yelling at the top of my voice at the injustice of it all, why her, why not me, why not anyone? Not my BBG. I of course was thinking all the worst things, even the worst thing. Surgery day the longest day in my life, I was lifeless all day, couldn’t wait to get back to hospital, the day dragged and dragged, eventually Eve was out of theatre and back in the ward, best news yet, she was back with me again, I knew that the strength of her alone could hold me together at least until after tomorrow when Mr Lopez would come and visit Eve and I together at 13:00hrs. No sleep again worse than pre-surgery 13:00hrs came, and in came Mr Lopez, we already knew that he would be straight with us, he said ‘the only way to face this is straight down the line nothing hidden’ he explained everything it was confirmed that it was cancer and that he had removed everything, but she would need chemo-therapy six sessions three weeks apart. Oh and she would be in immediate menopause. If it wasn’t bad enough having cancer she was also going straight into menopause. After Mr Lopez went we had a little cry together but we were determined not to let it get us down, we were going to face this head on and beat it. One of the most amazing things of this whole experience was really knowing the inner strength of Eve, she never ceases to amaze me, we have always been very close, yet, I didn’t really understand how strong she is, until you put the whole being together, I suppose you don’t really know, anyway she astounds me she has been a revelation to us all, she led us by example all the way through. What a girl.
Recovery was good, then came almost immediately chemotherapy, Judith had already shown us around, so we knew what to expect, but that was all, we were lucky I suppose but one of the nurses in oncology was a good friend of ours, that helped enormously. Although I know that it upset Eve from time to time and we would have a cuddle on the chair while having chemotherapy, Eve put it down to the menopause, I often wonder, anyway it was nice to have a cuddle.
Mr Bailey was our consultant, another wonderful man who explains things simply and puts you at ease, do you know, although he was extremely busy he always had a smile, simple isn’t it, just a smile and of course he kept us fully informed of all the results, and made sure that my BBG was recovering as she should.
I am ashamed to say that sometimes I used to lose my cool, if Eve was having a particularly bad day, I used to feel that I was the one giving, giving, giving, and that no-one gave a dam about me, how I was feeling, what about me, I was going through this too. Didn’t anybody care? Selfish bastard aren’t I. It was over quick as a flash, non-the less, thinking back, I should not have done it.
Eve is on a clinical trial for Avastin, that means she has appointments every six weeks for the duration of the trial, I think for two years. Eve is now almost back to full power, which is considerable, her hair has grown back all curly and beautiful, she has this wonderful ability to bring warmth, love, laughter, spirit and mental toughness to any group of people, I know, she did it for us, we will be eternally grateful for this. This experience has, tough though it is, given us a different aspect on life, to put things in perspective, to try and understand and simplify things so they are clear to us. But above all, love and family are the winners.
It has also introduced us to another group of dedicated professionals, without whom things could have been different. From the bottom of my heart I thank Mr Lopes and Mr Bailey true giants in their field, to Judith for her advice, friendship and professionalism. To all those dedicated and wonderful nurses, who, day in and day out make a traumatic experience, at the very least bearable.
Bob Tonkin (22.9.2008)

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